It has taken me many years of being in ‘leadership roles’ to realize that leadership comes easy when you have the power and position, but it’s an uphill task if you lose that external validation. 

I was successful, working in a competitive environment, leading a team of dynamic professionals, earning enough to be independent for life. I was known as a fair, decisive, and strong leader. In my personal life too, I was in charge. I felt humbled that youngsters looked at me as their role model.   

I left my corporate job a few years ago and moved to the Canary Islands for personal reasons! Envied by all, I was ready to embrace a new life. The rational side of me was prepared for a sense of loss of identity which was closely intertwined with my career. But I strongly believed that I was ready for a new life.

I could not have been more wrong. I started feeling that I was no longer the woman in charge. I felt unable to take even everyday decisions. Innocent questions by others about what I did or how I passed my time, became loaded with meaning in my head. I became a nobody in my eyes. The strong, vibrant, full-of-life woman became powerless, moody, indecisive, dull! I withdrew from everyone who knew me from that life. I disliked constant well-meaning advice by others on what I should do. The idyllic island felt like a prison.  

Why did I not see this coming? I knew my career was a huge part of my identity, but I was a self-made, dynamic individual, always the strong and steady one. The darkness took over. I had to do something.

Painful conversations with self, layer by layer unpeeling of my assumptions that were making me feel trapped, helped me realize that I was a complete slave to external stimuli, feeding on the power of my professional and social success. The sudden loss of it made me powerless and a nobody in my own eyes.

These are some lessons I learned that have helped me emerge out of that dark phase. 1) It is alright to be vulnerable – strength is also about accepting vulnerability. 2) Changes will happen, accept them with grace. 3) Seeking help is good and is a sign of strength. 4) Leadership is not about the adulation of people; it is about acceptance of self. 5) Force yourself to do something productive – in my case, joining the CTT program.  

My self-worth, to an extent, is still dependent on external validation. However, the shift is that I have accepted that my core has not changed despite changed circumstances. I have not worked for the last few years, but I do not feel powerless. I do not fear rejection. I have accepted that external stimuli will always be there, but it is in my power to work with what I have and create a different world.